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Before… I spent all that time purifying myself and ended up naked on our alter. Upon coming home, after trying to smell the last traces of you in the fibers of my jacket. I stripped and watched myself in the mirror while imagining you were on the other side with your fingers pressed onto the glass aching to press into me. I stretched pretending to be clean

I twirled to let you see everything. Closed my eyes and drenched my face in shower water, curtain open. Legs open, hoping that I would dream that night and fill in the gaps.. Hoping that in my dream you would come. Come into me under this water. Come into me. come into me come into me all night. Amen.

At that point my monsters all leaked out of the cuts on my body. All the holes of my face flushed out this filth and desire, and having grown old in this longing I hardened myself.

 I slept on the floor. Wore red dresses that swallowed me whole. Talked too loud for too long to people I didn’t know. Found old letters to you, I ate them one by one. I drank the water I used to bathe you off me to wash them down.

I screamed at the Bible I screamed at the Devil,  had God plug me up to ruin me for any other man that might sound too much like you…

 

 

 

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