If your man is a real independent gent, you may have issues when it comes to what you do as a couple and what he wants to do alone. I may be too close for comfort on this topic, but that’s a good thing for any ladies/men who might be having this issue with their spouse.
I was under the impression that couples generally do a lot of major traveling/outings together….you know as a couple. Not every single thing, but the big stuff like trips to Cali or Vegas. Perhaps a club or two if he’s already going with his friends. If it bother’s you that you’re never invited, its important to bring about the discussion and hatch it out. Maybe it won’t even be an issue once you’ve talked it out. But for those of us who know that this problem in particular would just cause another argument like always, it’s not so easy.
For some, it appears as though one person in the relationship would like to do more single-person things while the other person is full on #baegoals. It’s frustrating because the one who wants to do all the single stuff is talking about it like the foundation of their free will is at stake. I don’t think they mean to hurt their partner and I don’t think their partner is trying to be possessive. These two just have two extremely different ideas about relationship dynamics that were not discussed earlier on when they first got together. I’m talking to the long term sweethearts (2 years plus). There’s some things you just never thought were going to be a problem. You guys have great conversation, sex, your families like you together…but the big small stuff just fell through the cracks and now you’re sitting here in this resentment. If you live together, the walls grow close and closer, and there’s always a wall between you subtly daring you to being up that issue and strap up for World War III. That’s no way to live.
Though that whole spiel could apply to a plethora of spouse probs, let’s stick with the one at hand. Separate trips. Now, subsequent issues relating to this one include not wanting you to come on frequent outings with friends, not wanting you to be around/know their friends period, and implementing a separation that makes you feel unwanted in certain spots of their lives. This is hurtful, but it may not be malicious. Before you say anything or continue to beat this issue with the same bloody stick, consider why your spouse might be doing this. Is it that damn freedom fetish? Do they just need a break from you? Is there something wrong with their friends? Are they trying to hold on to their individuality?
The Freedom Fetish
We all need a bit of space to breathe and know we aren’t in a box. Maybe our sweetie isn’t so much fetishizing freedom as they are having a phobic reaction to the thought of being committed and losing the right to do their own thing. If this is the case it might not be a bad idea to reflect on how you’re coming across to them. Do you make a big deal EVERY time they want to do something without you or are you trying to compromise? A certain amount of cling is fine, but there comes a point where your devotion/feelings might be viewed as a cage that they progressively want to break free from. This will exacerbate the problem and have them reaching for that solo trip like it’s the last slice of pepperoni sausage pizza on movie night. You should do the same. Maybe this is how the modern couple lives. Doing things apart in order to enjoy things together even more. This philosophy probably won’t make you feel any better at the time because in the moment all you will hear is, “I don’t want you with me” “this is a me thing” “I want to be alone or with friends…not with you on this adventure.” All these comments suck, but a person has a right to them even in a relationship or marriage. You just have to decide if this is a deal breaker. In some people’s opinion this is what you do before you get tied down, and its half the fun of being a couple! Others believe that it’s unhealthy to not do this. So… who are you and what are you willing to put up with?
Needing a break
The previous leads into this one. So you’ve argued and made your discontent about excessive solo traveling known. All it has accomplished are uncomfortable silences, glares, and unpleasant dinners. Now your partner needs a break. If they are the independent type, this is an imperative matter. If they don’t find a way to get this break, then it’s the relationship that may break. Granted this “break” doesn’t really have to be a weekend going Miami bar hopping or an excursion to Atlanta to the Onyx strip club. A regular break like maybe a day in the next city over or just a day out around the city alone seems normal and healthy. If you are married, however, and your honey wants to do the aforementioned, I feel your pain and I understand why you’ve been chasing him with a frying pan. But simmer down cartoon wife! Think about what this opens up to you. If they can do it so can you. When is the last time you let your hair down and really just ran into the night without regard? Maybe this is your sign to get free. Take your own break. You may not feel like you need one. You may think you can’t enjoy it due to being upset over what’s happening, but there’s nothing you can do about it if you’ve made your feelings known and they aren’t hearing you. Until you guys can compromise or find a counselor, you have got to participate in some self-care. First rule, if they are out, you be out. I don’t care if it’s the bookstore, grocery store, an art gallery, or the moon. Be out sis! I can’t tell you how depressing it is to sit at home in a sunken stupor because of a spouse’s need to do what they want to do.
Maybe he/she doesn’t want you on trips/outings with their friends because their friends are mean….You see how stupid that sounds? I’m sorry, I feel like that’s bullsh*t. If they’re so bad why is he/she hanging with them? And maybe that’s not our business but think about this: even if they are mean and the spouse wants to “protect” you from them, what the spouse fails to protect you from is the feelings of being unwanted, unincluded, and hurt. Those feelings inflicted by a life partner are far worse than any group of people who might be shady or catty. SO WHAT?! You aren’t on the trip for them, you’re there with your mate. I can’t be devil’s advocate here. This is an issue you have to approach with maturity, humility, patience, selflessness, and a whole load of crap I don’t readily have available for my use. You’ve got to let it go if you are with the type of person who feels this way. Maybe you can become that type of person, but I’m not a fan of people changing themselves for the sake of a relationship unless it’s to end a destructive behavior.
All in all, a caring partner is going to hear out your grievances and at least attempt to meet you half way. No one wants to be the cause of pain in a relationship. They aren’t trying to make you insecure or give you reasons to question/be suspicious. They don’t want to make you feel unwanted. There is just a good chunk of the population that doesn’t see traveling separate a lot as a bad thing. And that can be okay depending on who you are dealing with.